ADHD In Relationships: From Irritation to Illumination
- Feb 11
- 7 min read
Written and posted with my husband's blessing, with the hope that sharing our learning curve might offer encouragement to those who need it.
Jacqueline Sohn, PhD
You could say my husband Will is a man after God’s own heart, but more remarkably, God seems to be relentlessly after his.
A little about him: Will is very well liked and respected. Warm, funny, generous. The kind of person people trust quickly and feel at ease around. Among other talents, he is musical, athletic, creative and is a great cook. He did well in school, took on leadership roles, worked hard, and made it through graduate school and an MBA program. More importantly, he shows up for people. He cares – especially for the vulnerable. It might be why he was drawn to a career helping seniors facing mental health issues and housing precarity. He is a better person than I am in many ways.
For a long time, nothing about him fit the picture—at least in my mind—of someone who might have ADHD, especially because I knew very little about it other than extreme depictions of hyperactivity and inability to focus.
So when my sister (who works in medicine) observed years ago that she thought he might have high-functioning ADHD, I was shocked. Offended, even. At the time, ADHD wasn’t widely discussed the way it is now. It carried stigma. It felt like a diagnosis reserved for disruption, dysfunction, or failure. None of those words matched the man I knew.
And yet…
When I actually looked into the symptoms, something unsettling happened: pieces started clicking into place. Little did my sister know how helpful her insights would be to me. I felt I should share this information with Will and I was very nervous about it. What would he think? How would he feel? It took some time to work up the courage to tell him. I treated it as a serious and sensitive issue I had to bring up with him… The funny thing is, his response was a casual, “oh yeah, I could see that.” I think he even responded with a little chuckle and a shrug – like it was no big deal (!!). I was relieved but maybe shouldn’t have been surprised because this is the way he operates – everything is fine. His reactions have often served to put me at ease. (And sometimes it goes the other way :-) ).
The Traits That Drove Me Up the Wall
There were the small things ranging from small enough to dismiss, big enough to grate on the nerves.
There the shifting and fidgeting, pacing while talking – a little distracting but barely noticeable. Falling asleep at social events, on friends’ couches. Checking his phone mid-conversation. Walking away abruptly when he thought the discussion had wrapped up, even when I wasn’t finished speaking.
I felt it most when it would interfere with things running smoothly – especially after having kids.
The forgetfulness. The lack of planning, organization and punctuality.The dropped balls, the missed details, the sense that I was carrying the mental load.
It’s easy, especially in marriage, to turn these moments into moral judgments.
Why don’t you care more?
Why can’t you just remember?
Why am I always the one thinking ahead?
Before I had language for neurodivergence, these patterns felt like carelessness. Like a lack of responsibility. Like poor listening. Like I mattered less than whatever else was pulling his attention.
Learning about ADHD didn’t erase the frustrations, but it gave them context. To be clear, he hasn’t been formally diagnosed, and I’m not sure that would add much in his case. Research has long recognized that attention and executive functioning traits exist on a spectrum. Many high-achieving adults sit somewhere along that continuum without meeting criteria for impairment severe enough to require clinical intervention. For us, the value wasn’t a label. It was understanding how differences in attention regulation, future orientation, and executive functioning can shape daily life and relationships. The insight itself shifted how I interpreted things.
Understanding Is Not the Same as Excusing
Even learning just a little bit more about neurodivergence can be deeply clarifying. It helps explain why certain patterns exist. It can soften the impulse to assume the worst about someone’s character or intentions.
Research on adult ADHD consistently shows that challenges with planning, working memory, time perception, and follow-through are related to differences in self-regulation and executive functioning—not to motivation, intelligence, or care.
Understanding this doesn’t erase responsibility, but it does shift the lens from moral failure to human limitation.
This said, understanding doesn’t automatically make marriage easy. In fact, ADHD – among other struggles - contributed to extremely challenging circumstances for us, way beyond more common inconveniences and irritations. This may or may not be a story for another day..
There is a fine line between compassion and excusing. Between explanation and accountability. Between grace and resignation.
Scripture doesn’t ask us to deny the real impact of our weaknesses on ourselves or on others. But it does ask us to interpret one another with charity rather than contempt. Not because the burdens aren’t real, but because love refuses to reduce a person to their limitations.
Human Limitations and the Reassurance Scripture Provides
One of the gifts of Scripture is that it doesn’t present people as more regulated, attentive, or self-controlled than they actually are.
Moses struggled with speech, trust and confidence. Elijah oscillated between courage and collapse. David acted impulsively, leading to devastating outcomes. Peter was impulsive too- interrupted at the wrong moments, overpromised, and faltered under pressure. Martha was anxious and distracted by the wrong priorities. The disciples misunderstood Jesus repeatedly—even after his patient and repeated explanations and immediately after witnessing miracles. They all seemed to forget God’s promises and faithfulness at different points.
These aren’t pure and perfect heroes. They are people whose weaknesses are on full display.
And what’s striking is that Scripture does not treat these limitations as disqualifications. Sometimes they are healed and sometimes they are accommodated. Always forgiven and strengthened with Grace.
Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” is never removed, despite repeated prayers. Instead, he hears: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
The Bible contains what modern psychology names more explicitly: human functioning varies. Attention falters. Memory fails. Impulses override intention.
ADHD doesn’t necessarily introduce a new category of struggle, but it can make certain human vulnerabilities more visible.
The Humbling Shift
Here’s where the story turns back on me.
For all my frustration with my husband’s forgetfulness and disorganization, I eventually had to face something uncomfortable: I display many – maybe all - of the same traits.
I forget things.
I lose track of details.
I struggle with planning when overwhelmed.
I am easily distracted.
And here’s the part that humbles me the most: when these traits arise in me, he is far more gracious with me than I am with him. I’ve realized that when I am irritated, he is patient. When I lose things, he helps me find them without critique or showing frustration as I do. He has graciously replaced more than a few of my lost phones without a word about it, often with better models.
Jesus’ warning is for me: “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own?” (Matthew 7:3).
I’ve had to examine and confront my ways of operating too: my expectations, my rigidity, my desire for control, my selective mercy.
The Strengths I Almost Missed
Here’s what took me longer to see: the traits that frustrated me also carried unexpected gifts.
My husband is not concerned about the distant future in the way I am. Instead of worrying about outcomes and contingencies, he lives in the present moment with a kind of freedom that once felt irresponsible to me and now looks, in many ways, like faith and trust.
From what I understand, people with ADHD are often more comfortable with spontaneity and resilient in the face of change. Studies of adults with ADHD suggest that these traits—present-focused attention, tolerance for uncertainty, rapid re-engagement after setbacks, and adaptability—can function as strengths in relational, dynamic, and unpredictable environments (e.g., Sedgwick et al., 2019; Panagiotidi et al., 2018).
This way of operating lends itself well to being quick to forgive, quick to re-engage, and less inclined to cling to what has already passed. In my husband, this shows up as generosity, adaptability, and a remarkable capacity to stay positive when plans unravel.
Ironically, what I once experienced as a lack of long-term thinking has sometimes looked—over time—like a stronger faith and trust in God to hold our plans.
This said, these are positive aspects to this way of operating but as I mentioned, there have been difficult circumstances that have occurred as a consequence of this as well. Research is clear that these same traits can also carry real costs, highlighting the need for both grace and practical support.
Of course, I don’t think ADHD creates conditions for an easier faith walk. There are positive and negative consequences to different ways of thinking. From a positive perspective, however, living less preoccupied with the distant future (of course while still being responsible stewards) can make space for a posture Scripture consistently points us to: daily dependence.
Grace, illuminated
Contrary to cultural norms, the gospel doesn’t divide people into “disciplined” and “deficient.” It divides us into those who need grace, and those who haven’t yet realized how much.
Both Scripture and contemporary research point to the same truth: human functioning is varied, uneven, and deeply contextual. Some people struggle more visibly with attention, memory, or planning. Others struggle more quietly with control, anxiety, rigidity, or judgment. None of these differences place us outside the reach of Grace.
Learning about ADHD didn’t remove the challenges in our marriage. But it did change my interpretations of their meaning and intentions. It reminded me that instead of seamless functioning, flourishing relationships are better characterized by effort, repair, and return. When Will is on time, planning, and attentive, I know it often costs him more than it costs me.
I’ve come to see that relational strain, while never pleasant or wanted, can become a refining ground for humility and trust. It’s often in these tensions that dependence on God shifts from abstract, theoretical belief to absolute necessity.
Grace doesn’t erase our differences or smooth out every strain. But it reframes them. By God’s redeeming Grace and the mysterious way He works, what once provoked irritation can become invitations to love more patiently, see more clearly, and depend more on Him within the places we feel most stretched.
*This post reflects our personal experience and reflections. It is not intended as clinical, medical, or mental health advice. Every individual and marriage is unique; if you have concerns about ADHD or related challenges, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.
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